


The 4 Highlander Movies: A Barbaric Chauvinist Rating

by dairesfanficrefuge_archivist



Category: Highlander: The Series
Genre: Meta
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2003-12-31
Updated: 2003-12-31
Packaged: 2018-12-18 06:10:41
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,975
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11868309
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dairesfanficrefuge_archivist/pseuds/dairesfanficrefuge_archivist
Summary: Note from Daire, the archivist: this story was originally archived atDaire's Fanfic Refuge. Deciding to give the stories a more long-term home, I began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in August 2017. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address onDaire's Fanfic Refuge's collection profile.





	The 4 Highlander Movies: A Barbaric Chauvinist Rating

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Daire, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Daire's Fanfic Refuge](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Daire%27s_Fanfic_Refuge). Deciding to give the stories a more long-term home, I began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in August 2017. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Daire's Fanfic Refuge's collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/dairesfanficrefuge/profile).

More Ojodelgato: The 4 Highlander Movies by Ojodelgato

| 

Warning Warning 

  
Danger Danger Danger 

  
You are about to enter a hazardous area. 

  
Potentially Offensive Material Ahead 

  
You have been warned!!! 

  
Hi all. I'm back with another shot at a Barbaric, Chauvinistic, Sexist, Cat's Eye look at the Highlander Universe. 

We all know that you on this BB watch the movies or the show because you greatly admire Adrian Paul's theatrical abilities – acting, directing, producing – (yeah, sure). We of the male persuasion are not as saintly in our motives. We're there for the flashy martial arts, the flashy sword-work, and – yes, I admit it – the flashy beautiful women that regularly appear on the show. It's true. No matter how much your husband or boyfriend might deny it, most of us men have noticed that all women on HL are from a universe where they all have 2 percent body fat, never need to comb their hair, and never have to work out. 

In keeping with this realism I present the first Barbaric Chauvinist rating of... 

THE 4 HIGHLANDER MOVIES!! 

Highlander One 

  
Brenda Wyatt 

The most important woman in Highlander #1 is Brenda Wyatt. Brenda starts the movie as a highly trained, intelligent, strong, and dedicated member of the NYPD forensics department. Of course she loses all of these qualities, and probably her job, by the time the movie ends. At the start she's a tough as nails professional who grudgingly puts up with her idiot detective co-workers. By the end she's little more than a screaming wimp Connor has to rescue. 

**WARNING** – she is **DEFINITELY NOT** my favorite woman from the HL universe. If she is yours, read no further. 

When it comes to any chauvinistic comments on her looks, we have a problem. The actress who played Brenda bears an incredible resemblance to my sister. I can't watch the movie without thinking of my dear baby sis. I fast-forward the tape through the romantic parts because... geez, do I even have to explain...come on! **Instead I'll write this Chauvinistic rating as though it were a cautionary letter to my daughter with instructions about what NOT to do when she grows up – many years from now of course.**

OK now – remember Brenda is a published author, a police forensic scientist, a metallurgist, and an archeologist specializing in the history of ancient weaponry. 

– As part of New York's CSI unit, Brenda finds a sword at a decapitation murder scene. She never notices that there's no blood on it and therefore probably isn't the murder weapon.   
________To daughter of Ojo– Somewhere along the line she's going to eliminate the 'Toledo Salamanca'. Don't you think maybe someone should be looking for the sword that really killed the guy? 

–Brenda somehow determines that there's a piece of the sword missing (?) and returns to the garage with a metal detector to find it.   
________ To daughter of Ojo – Tiny steel fragments are really hard to find in steel reinforced concrete. And just how did she figure out that part of the sword was missing? OK – so we find the sliver, but miss the 4-foot long sword? 

– Brenda finds a sliver of a laminated steel blade and somehow concludes that it's from a Katana forged in Japan 2000 years before they ever started making swords.   
_________ To daughter of Ojo – Run that by me again. You know it's from a Katana? You know it was forged in Japan? And you somehow determine the age of an un-oxidized ground steel surface? 

– Brenda follows Connor (then known to her only as a murder suspect) from the bar where he tried to pick her up – clearly warning her that he knew her from Madison Square Garden, knew her name, and knew that her home was within walking distance of the bar.   
_________To daughter of Ojo – What are you doing hanging out in a bar young lady? Second, you better not be doing surveillance on murder suspects without police backup, especially if they appear to be stalking you. 

– Brenda interferes with a criminal investigation by interrogating Connor at his antique store and then having him over for dinner at her apartment.   
_________To daughter of Ojo – I'm not a lawyer but I think I know the meaning of the word entrapment. 

– Brenda tries to tape her conversation with Connor at her apartment even though such evidence would be inadmissible in court, and leaves a loaded pistol in the room with the suspect.   
_________ To daughter of Ojo – THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS! 

– Brenda accuses Connor of being over 300 years old, and then reacts like a deer caught in a car's headlights – extreme shock and total disbelief – when he admits that she's right.   
_________ To daughter of Ojo – If you can't handle the answers, don't ask the questions. 

– Brenda gets horny as all hell when Connor sticks a knife into his own chest, and they boink like wild bunnies.   
_________ To daughter of Ojo – Your mother should talk to you about this. Personally I hope you show better judgment. You could start by choosing a boyfriend who isn't into cutting himself with sharp pointy things. 

– Brenda comes home to find the Kurgan waiting for her. She runs screaming into her apartment, locks the door behind her, and fumbles clumsily with her pistol as she pitifully tries to defend herself.   
__________To daughter of Ojo – You can't even date until you have a 2nd degree black belt in one of the nastier Asian martial arts. You can't move to New York City – ever. And don't even think about keeping a loaded weapon in your apartment unless you know how to use it. 

– Connor saves Brenda, kills the evil Kurgan, and they visit Scotland where they plan to live happily ever after.   
___________ To daughter of Ojo – Dearest one. Heart & soul of my life. Remember that it's just a movie. Slay your own dragons and avoid tough situations if you can. 

That's it for now. Don't blame me for the character development – or lack thereof – in the female lead. 

Those of you with daughters are probably agreeing with me anyway. 

10th Barbarian rating – Nothing offensive here unless you're REAL sensitive. This concludes Highlander 1 and deals with 3 women in the movie: Kate, Heather, & Rachel. Together they have about 5 minutes screen time – total. 

  
  
  
  
  
  


Kate the Scottish Wench 

An unwashed, foul mouthed, Scottish barfly in a wonder bra who wants Connor burnt to death. Probably his wife, but they never really say for sure. Hmmmm... life with her or burning at the stake... damned tough choice! 

Barbaric rating – (gagging / retching sound) – MacLeod loses 10 cool points just for being her 'ex'. 

Heather 

She is the most important woman in CM's 400-year life. After she dies he spends the rest of his life alone, moping, and generally keeping anyone from getting too close. 

We see her running around Scottish ruins, boinking CM, and picking out a chicken for dinner – about 2 minutes screen time. Most of her remaining time is spent screaming while Ramirez is losing the swordfight...right before the Kurgan rapes her. Then we see her for another minute growing old and dying while Queen's soundtrack plays in the background. 

Barbaric rating – She even looked good covered with dirt – and that's hard to do! Deserved more time and more importance in the story. 

Rachel 

Rachel was saved by CM in Nazi Germany, raised by CM, and now works as the receptionist at his antique store. We get hints that there might have been another relationship between them but it is never spelled out. By '86 Rachel was either too 'old?' for him, or their relationship had been father & daughter for so long that it just stayed that way. Use your imagination anyway you want... Pervert! 

Barbaric rating – she holds the crown for Ms. Highlander in the almost 60 category – (a possible tie with the flamenco dancing mom in the series episode 'Duende' – but that's another topic). Hey, the lady is a class act! She looks like the nice grandmotherly type, but if I was 60...look out! 

That's it for HL-1, unless you're a real sicko and want to talk about the hookers locked up in the jail cells during CM's interrogation. 

  
Me-e-e-OW! More to come........ 

* * *

Highlander 2 – The Quickening 

  
Dr. Louise Marcus 

No warnings -if you saw this movie nothing could offend you more. It was painful to watch. It's so bad it sucks and blows at the same time! 

It was written by the same team that made HL-1. This time they had more money, better drugs, and no script. There's only one female character in the whole film, Dr. Louise Marcus, played by Virginia Madsen. She was the B movie 'It Girl' back in the late 80's. One look at her and anyone with a Y chromosome understands why. 

She plays an Eco-scientist/terrorist fighting the evil 'Shield Corporation', the super-monopoly that protects the Earth from solar radiation after we screw up the Ozone layer. She breaks into the most closely guarded place on Earth wearing a skin tight ninja wet suit, hacks into the most closely guarded computer on Earth, and finds out that the corporation is ripping off everyone on Earth because the Ozone layer fixed itself. 

She escapes the Shield Complex in a hail of machine gun fire, leaving piles of security guards dead in her wake. Then she goes out to find the inventor of the Shield; the elderly, tuxedo wearing, Connor MacLeod. Suddenly 2 giggling idiot immortal aliens with porcupine quills instead of hair appear to attack him with ray guns and swords. MacLeod puts Dr. Marcus in a stinking dumpster to protect her from the upcoming fight. He turns young again and kills the bad alien immortals while cruising on a flying surfboard. 

After the fight, the young CM introduces himself to Louise. She's hotter than all hell and finds him irresistible, so he quickly boinks her up against a brick wall. Apparently CM was a Minute Man in the Revolutionary War, and he's even faster now. 

Let's take a time out for a quick review of Connor's choices in women. From HL-1: Kate the sweaty unwashed Scottish wench and Heather the dirt covered farm girl. From HL-2: Louise Marcus fresh out of a rancid garbage dumpster. Anyone detect a trend? 

The film went even further downhill from here. Fortunately for her career, Madsen got moved to the background. MacLeod goes on to raise Ramirez (Sean Connery) from the dead, kill evil General Katana from the Planet Zeist, and bring down the shield corporation. The Earth gets saved, Ramirez goes back to heaven, Mac gets the girl, and Highlander fans wish this film never happened. 

Barbaric rating: She's everything a man could want; a beautiful environmental scientist from Greenpeace and an expert shot with an Uzi! She helped to save the planet, but couldn't save this film. 

  
Me-e-e-OW! Still more to come........ 

* * *

Highlander 3 – The Final Dimension 

WARNING 

WARNING 

WARNING !!!! 

OJODELGATO'S BARBARIAN REVIEWS CONTINUE!!!! 

  
Dr. Alexandra (Alex) Johnson 

Prepare for another highly insensitive rating (the male point of view) of the women of the Highlander universe. This time it's Highlander 3 - The Final Dimension. 

Hey y'all correct me if I'm wrong, but weren't the movies supposed to be better than the TV series? Where'd I get that idea? I went to the theater see this movie with the lovely Mrs. Ojodelgato. I had to un-barbarically apologize -over and over and over- to her when we left. It was nowhere near as rancid as HL-2, but it was bad. 

I also paid a terrible, terrible price for taking her to HL-3! For the next 6 months she picked all the movie rentals; nothing but 'Chick Flicks' (that's what she calls them so no complaints!!!). She questioned my movie taste when we saw HL-2, but HL-3 removed all doubt and she was kinda pissed. 

> Ojo: Dios mio! 'Thelma and Louise'?   
> Mrs Ojo: !!The Final Dimension!! 
> 
> Ojo: (mumble, mumble) 
> 
> Ojo: Please, not 'Steel Magnolias'!   
> Mrs Ojo: !!The Final Dimension!!   
> Ojo: (mumble, mumble) 
> 
> Ojo: Por Favor no! Not …..'Beaches' …. again???!   
> Mrs Ojo: !! The Final Dimension!!   
> Ojo: (mumble, mumble….gag…retch) 

What's a happily married barbarian to do? 

I learned to really/ truly/ seriously hate Susan Sarandon. 

Anyway, HL-3 is HL-1 without all the good stuff that made it a classic. The evil guy is Kane (Mario Van Peebles with bad teeth). He has the 'Power of Illusion' which helps him a lot by letting him disappear whenever he's losing a fight. Strange, considering it didn't do sh*t for the immortal he got it from with his quickening. It's the same story as HL-1 except this time Connor has an adopted son for Kane to kidnap and the final quickening blows up a huge oil refinery. 

Connor's love interest in this movie is a famous, widely respected Anthropologist specializing in Japanese and Scottish history named Dr. Alexandra (Alex) Johnson. She's smart, tough, ambitious, dedicated, educated, and traffic stopping gorgeous in a blonde haired -Northern European way. There were very few redeeming features to this movie, and she was definitely one of them. 

_Reality Check: my college Anthro 101 professor was a chain-smoking, coffee breathed Rosie O'Donnell look-alike with vintage clothing and a perpetual bad hair day._

But wait, here's the shocking part - she stays smart through the whole damned movie! Think about it; in HL-1 & 2 Connor Macleod went for brainy women with PhD's that turned into blithering idiots 10 minutes after meeting him. I think he gave off some radioactive force that stopped brain cells from working which had some major advantages. All he had to do was say, 'I'm immortal', and their clothes just dropped to the floor. 

To complicate the story a little she's also CM's reincarnated long lost girlfriend from the French Revolution. 

Alex is played by Deborah Unger. I recognize her from 'Hurricane' and 'Payback' and the lady can act – I mean she stands out even in small roles. Add haunting, ethereal beauty that doesn't look artificial like a plastic surgeons masterpiece and she easily outclassed the rest of the movie. 

It pisses me off when the best thing you can say about a character in a HL movie is that Panzer & Davis didn't screw it up too badly, but that's about it. She wasn't an idiot like Brenda from HL-1, she wasn't useless eye-candy like Louise from HL-2, and she wasn't underwhelming and un-likeable like the cold anorexic bitch from HL-4. Those 3 only increase my appreciation for Mrs. Ojodelgato; even with her unbarbaric, non action/adventure taste in movies! 

Summary: if I had to take my katana and fight an evil immortal to save the lead actress from any of the 4 HL movies, she'd be the only one. 

  
Me-e-e-OW! Still more to come........ 

* * *

Highlander 4: Endgame 

NO WARNINGS 

OJODELGATO'S LAST BARBARIAN   
REVIEW OF HL-4: ENDGAME 

SLBBSL 

Short Summary – buy HL-1 and pretend the other 3 movies didn't happen. Save your money and buy the series DVD's from seasons 1-5. 

Ladies – you get to see more AP   
Guys – you get to see Elizabeth Gracen who is smarter, more interesting, and far more boinkable than the women in the films. 

This is my last barbaric rating of the women of the Highlander universe. Not that I'm running out of barbaric insensitivity, I just see WAY TOO MUCH similarity in the women from the HL films. There are only so many ways that I can damn Panzer & Davis to Hell for making up forgettable characters that are nothing more than idiotic eye-candy for the MacLeod cousins to boink. They did a better job every week with a low budget 45-minute TV show. 

HL-4 has one woman in the whole film; DM's long lost ex-wife from 300 years ago. She's immortal, but didn't know it when they got married. Naturally DM killed her on their wedding night knowing she'd become an Immie and never grow old. Things didn't go as planned, and when she woke up she freaked out and ran screaming from the honeymoon suite. 

She's been pissed off ever since. 

She has the figure of an anorexic 12 year old wearing a 36-D. Her face is beautiful, but in a stony expressionless way that super-models achieve after facelifts, botox treatments, and pumping butt-fat into their lips. Since I found her totally underwhelming, I totally forgot her name. I'll just refer to her as SLBBSL (Skinny Lady, Big Boobs, Saggy Lips). 

The writers didn't give SLBBSL a PhD in this film so her role is to stand around and act like France at the UN Security Council: depressed, pouting, and wishing everyone else was dead. 

SLBBSL works for an immortal ex-priest who leads a group of evil immies. They ambush good guys and hold them down so the leader can take all the quickenings and grow super-powerful. They try to kill DM in a couple of scenic European locations but fail. 

SLBBSL shows up later at DM's hotel room for a repeat of the wedding night boinking. We are then treated to a couple of minutes of butt shots in a carefully choreographed scene that barely maintains an R rating. After the fireworks are over she leaves DM again, telling him that she felt absolutely nothing. – Damn! She's got the French attitude down to an art! 

Later, the super bad guy kills his entire gang (including SLBBSL) for their quickenings. Duncan kills Connor and gets a high octane quickening; then goes on to kill the super bad guy in revenge for losing his ex-wife - again. 

The movie ended after 80 minutes. 

Adrian Paul vowed to never do another HL film. Mrs. Ojodelgato made me vow to never watch another HL film. 

Panzer & Davis are promising HL-5: The Source. I'm going to take a raincheck unless it's written by Emit, Bookmom, and Nightjessi. 

  
Me-e-e-OW!   
**The End**

Ratings by Ojodelgato ~   
  
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